Thomas A. Harris "I'm OK - You're OK"


1973. aasta väljalase, varem ilmunud kui "The Book Of Choice", copyright 1969


Tsitaadid, mis otsustasin kirja panna:


Freud's fundamental contribution was his theory that the warring factions existed in the unconcious. Tentative names were given to the combatants: the Superego became thought of as the restrictive, controlling force over the Id (instinctual drives), with the Ego as a referee operating out of 'enlightened self-interest'. lk 2


Restating esoteric psychoanalytic ideas in even more esoteric terms does not reach people where they live (siin "esoteric" oma algses tähenduses ehk "siseringi") lk 3


Any hypothesis must depend for its verification on observable evidence (on lausa kurb, et sellist asja peab üldse ütlema, aga seni kuni eksisteerivad eneseusku varjutavad usud, on sellise asja kordamine omal kohal) lk 4


'mysteries of why people do as they do' lk 13


...they reveal their past in the present games they play. lk 15


Many of these edicts are fortified with such additional imperatives as 'never' and 'always' and 'never forget that' and, we may assume, pre-empt certain primary neurone pathways that supply ready data for today's transactions. These rules are the origins of compulsions and quirks and eccentricities that appear in later behaviour. lk 23


Skeem. "Parent", "Child", "Adult" (suure algustähega) on siin teadvuse ja alateadvuse osad, mitte füüsilised kehad.
Parent (birth to 5): recording of external events (taught concept of life)
Child (birth to 5): recording of internal events (felt concept of life)
Adult (10 months on): recording of data acquired and computed through exploration and testing (thought concept of life) lk 29


'Some of our best people' are where they are because of efforts to gain approval. However, they are committed to a lifetime of mountain climbing. lk 44


...they will surround their prejudical cases with all kinds of irrelevant arguments to support their position. As illogical as their position may seem, the rigidity of their position is in safety. It is safer for a little child to believe a lie than to believe his own eyes and ears. Therefore, one cannot eliminate prejudice by an Adult discourse on the subject of the prejudice. The only ways to eliminate prejudice are to uncover the fact that it is no longer dangerous to disagree with one's parents and to update the Parent with data from today's reality. lk 96


Although there may be exceptions, the general rule is that we do not learn to be loving if we have never been loved. lk 99


It has been said that blaming your faults on your nature does not change the nature of your faults. Thus, 'I am like that' does not help anything. 'I can be different' does. lk 110


The forgotten anniversary date is not a catastrophe for the intimate husband and wife, but it very often is for those whose relationship exists by virtue of ritual. lk 121


Marriage is the most complicated of all human relationships. Few alliances can produce such extremes of emotion or can so quickly travel from professions of the utmost bliss to that cold, terminal legal write-off, mental cruelty. lk 124


It has long been recognized that the best marriages grow when both partners have similar backgrounds and similar reality interests. lk 124


important dissimilarities often are ignored, and a contract which reads 'till death do us part' is based on such insufficient sameness as 'we both love dancing', 'we both want lots of children', 'we both love horses', or 'we're both on acid'. lk 124


...proceed on the basis of fulfilling a wish for what is called a happy marriage, frequently without the benefit of having seen one. lk 129


Since no two people are exactly alike, the idea of perfect compatibility is illusory. lk 129


'As long as others are doing it, it must be OK.' is their standard of what to do. lk 137


'love is not a gazing at each other, but a looking outward together, in the same direction' lk 139


The best way to help children is to help parents. If parents do not like what their children do, it is not the children alone who must change. lk 140


Some parents exercise their 'bigness' violently, battering and bullying their children into shape. lk 141


Children learn by imitation. lk 150


... the archaic Parent, a product of countless generations of parental self-righteousness. lk 152


If the child cannot use his computer, most probably it is because either he has never seen one used, or he has had no one to help him learn how to use his. ('computer' tähendab siin loomulikult mõistust) lk 155


Here is where the parents might better ask: "What kind of a person am I around my child?" rather than "What kind of a parent am I?" lk 159


I want him to learn something. How many books have I read in the past month, year, years? I want him to have friends. How friendly am I? lk 159


People attract not that which they want but that which they are. People also raise not the children they want but the children who reproduce what they, the parents, are. lk 159


I believe strongly that all physical abuse of children produces replayable feelings of violence. lk 164


It is not possible to teach non-violence with violence. lk 164


...Grandparent solutions, which can be as inadequate as trying to make a jet plane run with hay. lk 173


Sexual intercourse without personal intimacy can only result in a loss of self-esteem. lk 179


We cannot, after all, resign from the human race, game-ridden as it may be. If we are not to be overcome by evil, then we must overcome evil with good. This we cannot do if we withdraw from all the relationships in which games exist. lk 205


Can we all be moralists? Or is that for very smart and wise people? lk 208


Dogma is the enemy of truth and the enemy of persons. Dogma says "Do not think! Be less than a person." The ideas enshrined in dogma may include good and wise ideas, but dogma is bad in itself because it is accepted as good without examination. lk 220


The position "I'm OK - You're OK" is not possible if it hinges on your accepting what I believe. lk 220


Confession without change is a game. lk 222


We cannot produce responsible persons until we help them uncover the "I'm not OK - You're OK" position which underlies the complicated and destructive games they play. lk 237


We call our defence "patriotism", and their defence "enslavement". To some extent all nations live behind a curtain. Perhaps it is the same curtain. lk 238


Laws are not ultimate truth. lk 244


We become major champions of minor issues because we have cut off too many options in dealing with the major issues. lk 252


My ten-year-old daughter asked if "we could go and see Bonnie and Clyde". I said no, it was full of violence and I did not like the way it galmorized some very sordid individuals. It was somewhat hard to explain a few days later why Bonnie and Clyde was repeatedly mentioned during the Academy Awards. lk 257


Are winning and losing the only options for persons or for nations? The only way to stay a winner is to surround oneself with losers. lk 259